I recently thumbed through a 10+ year old journal expecting to be entertained, if nothing else.
Good grief. IRS instructions are more riveting.
The pages were filled with tedious moping about all the things I longed to change about myself. On and on and on, like a broken record. Just skimming over that stuff now is depressing.
Journaling is healthy, of course. I’m all for it, especially when it comes to keeping track of answered prayer and God’s faithfulness—that’s important to remember. But some journaling, while good for getting gunk off your chest, is just self-centered, navel-gazing pathos (yeah, I know, it’s probably just mine). What I find sad about those years is how long I pined for change—to be a slimmer woman, a holier Christian, kinder mom, more pleasing wife, truer friend, etc. How sad that I clung to such a singular focus for so long, especially when the journals show no indication I ever arrived at the changes I so desperately sought.
At some point I quit journaling. Maybe I finally got fed up with the monotony of repeating myself and the despair of continual failure. Who has time or energy to change when you spend all your time in front of the mirror cataloguing all your flaws?
Actually, I think God finally lured me away from such a self-centered focus. I think he wanted me to stop believing lies about who I was supposed to be, and start making the most of what I have right now. Begin accepting who I am, cellulite and all. Embrace the gifts and interests and purposes God placed in me when he made me. ME, not some air-brushed, magazine cover girl.
I haven’t journaled in well over a decade now. Looking back, I can see many positive changes that have occurred over time. Quiet, lasting changes that came after I gave up trying to bully that unhappy woman into being someone else. Somewhere along the line, God gave me a truckload of patience. And grace. And a great peace in knowing that “he makes all things beautiful in its time.” (Ecc. 3:11)
Maybe it’s a Rapidly Nearing Five-O thing, but now I find the things I stressed about for so long don’t really matter all that much. What matters to me now is to live and love people today instead of putting it off. Listen more. Pray more. Care more about what Jesus thinks and less about what people think. See eternity in every moment. Live each day like a heaven-bound soul.
Q: What about you—have you ever needed to let go of some elusive longing in order to embrace life now?
No, I’m still at the navel-gazing, and need to get over it! And I’m a lot closer to 6-Oh, than I am to 5-O. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement, Camille.
Here’s to mutual reminders for us both, Dawn. 🙂
I’m still working on that in my mid-50’s. As I look back over my journal that I write in, only occassionally, I find a mix of poor me entries and a spattering of encouraging updates on past lamenting. I question if any of this is something I would want anyone to read if they came across it after I’ve left this world. I still focus way too much on what I wish were different about me, so thank you for the reminder that there are other things that matter much more.
Thanks Pam — I hadn’t thought about other people reading it. I think there’s a bonfire I need to start. 🙂
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with healthy amounts of introspection, we need to surrender to God & allow him to clean house. I do wonder if we get to a point in our mid-to-later years (ack!) when we get better about balancing our focus on self with other values & priorities. Maybe it applies more to those of us raised in the “Me” generation. 🙂
I love reading your posts…i have never been good at journaling..i’ve tried over the years but could never get all my thoughts on the page because of the mental work it requires! LOL…I think that’s one reason I turn to playing music…I play it out instead of writing it out…and even that is a challenge! I have let go of my perceived idea of perfection (most days), and that’s a good thing! Only God is perfect and that’s enough to dwell on right there!
Thank you, Marcella. I understand how we can get hung up on the perfection thing. Thanks for the reminder that God is the only perfect one, that puts a lot of striving into perspective.
I had a epiphany this week, and I think it’s part of the maturing process (I’m mid-50s). I’m no longer the pushover/doormat I once was. Granted, it took me multiple decades–but I’ve arrived! I’ve been the navel-gazing, longing-to-be better woman who’s realized it all just part of the journey. Thoughtful post, Camille. Thanks!
Funny how in our 30s we’d thought we’d “arrived” only to find in our 40s & 50s that there are many more destinations to arrive at as we journey on. Congrats to you, Megan! It’s tough to stand firm with grace, and I’m sure you are.
Oh, Camille … are you sure and certain you won’t be in Dallas, my friend? I’d love to sit down and have a long, long talk with you … let you talk and I’ll listen.
You are so wise.
Oh…Beth! *sniff* How I would love to be there & hang out with you! Have an amazing conference, my friend. Another time, Lord willing…
(Hey – I think you should check out Oregon Christian Writers’ Summer 2013 Conference in Portland-August12-15. You could bunk with me for free! http://ocwsummerconference.com/639/sc-2012/ )